Saturday, January 28, 2006

Bugs, Hugs, and a Night in the Coffin of Love.

Who doesn't love weddings? Why, you get free food, free music, and- on special occasions- you get married. Yet some still have bad dreams about their future nuptials. Strangely enough, I recently had a marriage nightmare of my own. I cruised up to the alter to meet my nondescript bride-to-be, but we were both covered in blood (yes, the real kind of blood). As we were wed, everyone started hurling holy water at us (bad o'deurves, I suppose) and afterwards we rushed off in a romantic heat to consummate our undying love... In a coffin! Mazaltof, I suppose...

But wait, was this really a dream, or was this just another outrageous piece of American journalism? Sounds like a long shot, I know. Why, for such a yarn to make it to the ticker, I'd say either CNN and/or Ripley's Believe or Not would have to be involved. I mean, who could forget when the two collaborated on that "Bigfoot weds Mel Gibson" story?

As it turns out, this story is true! CNN reported today about two lovers from Bangkok who plan on tying the knot in this exact way. To hear about such an... uhm... graphic wedding is certainly eye-opening enough, but the true joy of the tale comes from the two lovebirds and just how perfect they are for each other. Find a comfy chair: you should probably sit down for this...

Our two romantic heroes are Kanchana Ketkaew (translation: Janie Johnson) and Bunthawee Siengwong (translation: Earl Buckwalter). Ketkaew once held a world record for spending 32 days in a glass cage with 3,400 scorpions, while Siengwong held a similar record- sharing 28 wonderful days with 1,000 wonderful centipedes. Naturally, you can imagine how much our two lovers must've had in common the first time they met:

Ketkaew: (sipping on a mochachino)... I know! Day 15 is just the worst! Have you ever wondered what it would be like if we used fire ants instead!?
Siengwong: Only every waking minute...

Beautiful, I know. Why it almost makes me feel... in love again {wipes tear from his eye}...

For any of you looking to catch the theatrics, the ceremony will be held in Pattaya, Thailand on February 14- valentines day (or as Bankokians are now dubbing it "Centipede Day"). Only fittingly, the wedding will take place inside the Ripley's Haunted Adventure House/House of Pancakes and will be named "Till Death do us Part." Guests are expected to be shocked to very shocked, and Guns and Roses' "November Rain" is expected to loop over and over until complaints arise or someone's head explodes.

"As much as we'd love to see someone's head explode," Siengwong said, "we really don't wanna offend the respectable personnel at the Haunted Adventure House/ House of Pancakes. After all, I'm hoping to get a hand stamp out of all this."

Needless to say, this wedding is shaping up to be... well... you pick the adjective. For those cynical cynics who are always in need of a link, watch me very closely when I wink and say... this.

Which brings us back to the eponymous question: who doesn't love weddings? Why, you get... uhm... blood on your gown, you get... gee... holy water thrown at you. Well, maybe all weddings can't be winners, but- who knows- maybe they'll have mini corn cobbs there. And who doesn't love mini corn cobs? :-)

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