Which Washed up 90's Comedian are You?!

You are Sinbad!

You were on top of the comedic world. You were performing for sold out audiences in Jamaica. You starred in the movie Jingle All the Way which was... eh... kinda funny- but somewhere in the mid-90's you fell off the radar and never resurfaced. It seems no one really could "help the brotha out."

You are charismatic and exciting. You have many fascinating stories to tell but may lose your audience due to your lack of curse words. You will make a comeback as a guest star on 2 and a Half Men and never be seen again.

Carrot Top, Bobcat, Pauly Shore- which washed up 90's comedian are YOU?!~~ click here.

Bugs, Hugs, and a Night in the Coffin of Love.

Who doesn't love weddings? Why, you get free food, free music, and- on special occasions- you get married. Yet some still have bad dreams about their future nuptials. Strangely enough, I recently had a marriage nightmare of my own. I cruised up to the alter to meet my nondescript bride-to-be, but we were both covered in blood (yes, the real kind of blood). As we were wed, everyone started hurling holy water at us (bad o'deurves, I suppose) and afterwards we rushed off in a romantic heat to consummate our undying love... In a coffin! Mazaltof, I suppose...

But wait, was this really a dream, or was this just another outrageous piece of American journalism? Sounds like a long shot, I know. Why, for such a yarn to make it to the ticker, I'd say either CNN and/or Ripley's Believe or Not would have to be involved. I mean, who could forget when the two collaborated on that "Bigfoot weds Mel Gibson" story?

As it turns out, this story is true! CNN reported today about two lovers from Bangkok who plan on tying the knot in this exact way. To hear about such an... uhm... graphic wedding is certainly eye-opening enough, but the true joy of the tale comes from the two lovebirds and just how perfect they are for each other. Find a comfy chair: you should probably sit down for this...

Our two romantic heroes are Kanchana Ketkaew (translation: Janie Johnson) and Bunthawee Siengwong (translation: Earl Buckwalter). Ketkaew once held a world record for spending 32 days in a glass cage with 3,400 scorpions, while Siengwong held a similar record- sharing 28 wonderful days with 1,000 wonderful centipedes. Naturally, you can imagine how much our two lovers must've had in common the first time they met:

Ketkaew: (sipping on a mochachino)... I know! Day 15 is just the worst! Have you ever wondered what it would be like if we used fire ants instead!?
Siengwong: Only every waking minute...

Beautiful, I know. Why it almost makes me feel... in love again {wipes tear from his eye}...

For any of you looking to catch the theatrics, the ceremony will be held in Pattaya, Thailand on February 14- valentines day (or as Bankokians are now dubbing it "Centipede Day"). Only fittingly, the wedding will take place inside the Ripley's Haunted Adventure House/House of Pancakes and will be named "Till Death do us Part." Guests are expected to be shocked to very shocked, and Guns and Roses' "November Rain" is expected to loop over and over until complaints arise or someone's head explodes.

"As much as we'd love to see someone's head explode," Siengwong said, "we really don't wanna offend the respectable personnel at the Haunted Adventure House/ House of Pancakes. After all, I'm hoping to get a hand stamp out of all this."

Needless to say, this wedding is shaping up to be... well... you pick the adjective. For those cynical cynics who are always in need of a link, watch me very closely when I wink and say... this.

Which brings us back to the eponymous question: who doesn't love weddings? Why, you get... uhm... blood on your gown, you get... gee... holy water thrown at you. Well, maybe all weddings can't be winners, but- who knows- maybe they'll have mini corn cobbs there. And who doesn't love mini corn cobs? :-)

Three Bloggers I Plan on Pseudo-Stalking in the Future.

Blogs: it's hard to deny that they're slowly taking over the world. Why, I can't leave the house without hearing football players talking about their weblog templates and seeing traffic directors eyeballing their profiles. With that said, I thought I'd share a few of the punchier blogs I've come across and the authors that I plan on stalking in the very near future.

One step closer to enlightenment... : Adam (the author of this page), more than any of my feature bloggers, is a cheap choice. I say this, mainly, because he was one of my old high school buddies. But luckily, there's still merit in reading his weblog, even if you've never fought over a lunch room chair with the guy. Peeking through Adam's blog, you can get a sense for the real everyman that he is. With every subject he wrestles with, whether it's his favorite authors, his unflinching foibles, or even the legendary folklore associated with Chuck Norris, Adam's voice maintains a down to earth tone. Even through his webpage, Adam Milton comes off as a likeable guy. He'll be a blogger I'll be sure to follow in the future.

Jesus' General: Coming across this lunatic's weblog was certainly an act of blind luck. You've been there before: a click here, a click there, and all too quickly you're on to something special. Gloriously bizarre, the General's blog is a healthy mix of political satire and ludicrous sight gags. It's rich with laughs, but also seems to support an agenda, which is nary a issue of mine. As I like to say, humor without a purpose makes you nothing but a clown. Jesus' General is one sharp humorist I'll be sure to keep up with.

Brooke Rising: Needless to say, I feel obligated to support my Professional Writing class, so I thought I'd pick one of my English 2030 comrades to make this list. Although I haven't had the pleasure of meeting Brooke in the "real world" (which Blogging is beginning to render obsolete, mind you), I have had the chance to check out her pleasant and orderly webpage. A finance major, Brooke writes with a remarkable flow that makes reading through even the most stoic of post assignments (say, one where you had to choose your favorite Bloggers ;-)) easy and- more often than not- quite breezy. I'll be sure to keep up with Brooke Rising.

It was late Queen singer Freddie Mercury who sang, "another one bites the dust!" Coincidentally, he also crooned, "we are the champions, my friend." As I top off another over zealous blog post, I'll quote the rock n' roll great one more time when I say, "We will, we will rock you!" Well, maybe that last one doesn't really apply, but I'm sure you get the point :-).

Adios!

Three Writers who both Interest me and make me feel Inadequate.

From what you'll hear about professional writing, the vocation's a bit like selling Furbees at a garage sale: it's hard to get anyone interested in what you're pushing, and even harder to get someone to pay for it. For those reasons and more, I've constructed a small list of the professional writers who not only interest me, but make me feel greatly inadequate.


Larry David

Certainly most well known for the co-creation of the sitcom Seinfeld (perhaps you've heard of it), David's done what many aspiring writers daydream about over their Starbucks mochachinos: made a successful living in television writing. But the writer's prosperity isn't accidental; Larry David has an exceptional knack for constructing outlandish comedic scenarios and tying together intricate pretzel plots (remember "The Bizzaro Jerry"?). For these reasons, David is a professional writer whom I find very interesting.

Larry David is currently working as executive producer on the HBO sitcom Curb Your Enthusiasm. For more information on this writer, you can visit his International Movie Database profile at http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0202970/.


Dave Barry

Heavily syndicated columnist and steadfast advocate of the "booger joke," Barry wrote a humor piece for the Miami herald from 1983-2005. The writer's columns would typically put bizarrely humorous spins on topical issues and chronicle nuanced stories from Barry's life. Perhaps what I find the most interesting about Dave Barry was his ability to maintain a high level of quality over such an extended period of time and his adherence to his central writing style over the entire duration. Through his 22 years working for the Miami Herald, Barry truly solidified his unique voice and rarely deviated from it. For this reason I find Dave Barry to be a fascinating writer and an outstanding role model.

To soak up a little more information on Dave Barry, check out his website at http://www.davebarry.com/


John Swartzwelder

A long time television writer and short time novelist, Swartzwelder is responsible for nearly a sixth of all the Simpson's episodes. Watching the writer's installments, you can really get a feeling for Swartwelder's irreverent sense of humor. Yet even if he wasn't a shade funny of Bobcat Goldthwait, it wouldn't make a difference- Swartzwelder's written 60+ episodes for one of the longest running television sitcoms in history. Like Dave Barry, Swartzwelder's a writer that I find inspiring for his longevity as a professional writer and his adherence to his own writing style and humor. Without a doubt, John Swartzwelder is one of my greatest role models.

Swartzwelder still serves as a writer and consultant for the Simpsons. For such an accomplished writer though, Swartzwelder is remarkably mysterious. Finding a photo of the writer is a daunting task, while sniffing out any personal info. is twice as difficult. Regardless, a little more insight into John Swartzwelder's career can be found at his International Movie Database page at http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0841990/.


Finally- at last you can relieve the crippling pain of not knowing which professional writers I, eh... kinda like. In the future, I plan on penning even more revealing and informative posts such as, "My most Inspirational Cheeses," and "Hunka, Hunka Burnin' Hair!: why I can't use Hair Spray Anymore." Keep posted because, who knows, maybe I'll be making you feel inadequate some day :-).

Drew vs. Shrinkage. Shrinkage 1, Drew 0.

Out of all the mortal enemies I could have come encounter with today (hunger; sleep-deprivation; Aquaman), I've found myself grappling with one I'd never had expected. That's right, this dastardly villain is none other than... shrinkage!

But the best kind of shrinkage, I assure you. Perhaps you've once had that perfect, absolutely pristine, makes you wanna make that kitschy French kissing motion when you put them on kind of pants. Flawless they seem, as they cling onto your hips and rest perfectly above your LA lights sneakers. We all know these pants: they're the things that throwaway daydreams are made of.

Which, of course, brings me face to face with my new mortal enemy, which is quickly making all of those other mortal enemies obsolete (take that equivalence tests!). Without a doubt, shrinkage has thrown a shrunken little wrench into my day. But if you truly want to feel my pain (and loss of circulation), I suppose it would help to get to know my fallen partner is this tragic laundry novella. Well at least what they used to be...

I once owned a pair of brown cotton pants with vertical tan pinstripes. Doesn't sound entirely too flashy, eh? I'll agree that they're not the most spectacular trousers on paper, but then again, neither was Casablanca (well, ya know, if Casablanca was a pair of pants, instead of a movie). Perhaps what you need to understand is the way they fit me. Ooh how they fit me! When I slipped on my brown pinstripe pants, I was no longer Drew Stewart: struggling and sluggish student. No, when I fell into my glorious garments, I became, Drew Stewart: flashy and as equally panashy student. It was a marriage made in heaven and purchased at Kohl's. Well, that is, while it lasted.

Truthfully, I feared the lurking threat of shrinkage all along. My father tried to warn me, bickering, "Well... they kinda fit now, but what's gonna happen when you wash them?" I shrugged arrogantly, dismissing my pa's wisdom and substituting my own clothing dreams and fantasies. This, perhaps, was my most fatal mistake. I also happened to forget that unforgettable line from the movie Spiderman: with great pants comes great responsibility. Well, it went something like that- I really can't remember...

Paranoid of what would happen after their first trip through the wash, I decided to put off cleaning my pants for the standard amount of time: about 2 months. I suppose a handy rule of thumb for clothes cleaning could be derived from this: once your pants discreetly and distinctively change from their original color, throw them in the wash you clod! Taking this new guideline to heart, I hugged my pinstriped pals and set them off into the dangerous washing machine world. {Sob} they just grow up so fast, {sob} ya know?

Well, knowing there was little else I could do, I decided to do little else than flip on a rerun of the Simpsons. A near 20 minutes later, the wash came to a loud halt, finishing the cycle and putting and end to the wild clothing dance party taking place inside the machine. Naturally, I shoveled the mass of clothes out, to notice my brown pinstriped pants at the bottom of the pile. They were wet, but then again I certainly couldn't blame the washing machine for that. After all, that's why I keep him around any way, right?

With little haste, I tossed the mammoth pile of clothes into the drier, placing my pants on the top of the heap. With even less haste, I did my finest Andie Cap impression as I plopped onto the homely pink couch in my living room. Although I knew I couldn't let the drier stay on too long (for obvious, shrinkage related reasons), my attention span was put to the ultimate test when an hour long marathon of Yes Dear came across my screen. "Must. Stay. Awake." I uttered to myself. "But. Yes Dear. Is soo. Sleep inducing." my rambling followed. Even though I put up a valiant effort, it was of use none: Yes Dear had succeeded in putting another hard working U.S. citizen to sleep.

When I woke up, I noticed something that's rarely heard in a college town: the sound of silence. While it was nice to be able to hear my own breathing (which has a snazzy rhythm, I must say), there was one thing that- much to my chagrin- I didn't hear. Not hearing the rattling of buttons and zippers, it seems that I'd slept through the entire dryer cycle. I jumped to open the machine, but it was certainly too late. Pulling out my now skimpier pants, I tried to think of someone else who'd they'd look more at home on. Say, Alfalfa.




<--- The Little Rascal's Alfalfa. I like his style.





Even though shrinkage got the last laugh, I still feel I pulled out a small personal victory. Why, I enjoyed my groovy garments while I could and walked away with no regrets. Perhaps it just goes to show you that if you can keep your mortal enemies from cracking your skin, you can always keep a little piece of your perfect pants.

In the meanwhile though, anyone wanna buy a pair of brown pinstripeds?